


To Leave, To Lose

by goatsongs



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, alternate ending of 177, im...sorry?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:49:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28903659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goatsongs/pseuds/goatsongs
Summary: Things just go a little differently for Zolf on the edge of death. But can it be fixed?
Relationships: Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde
Kudos: 11





	To Leave, To Lose

“Just give me another reason, other than because there’s something that needs doing. That’s all I need. Just one reason, other than ‘ _There is another job for you, Wilde_ ’. That’s all I need” Wilde’s face, young and scarless, cracked away from its youth for a moment, and Zolf saw in front of him the man he knew. He was twisted in fear and sadness and hope, just like himself.  
  
Zolf’s mind grasped for something, words that could fill the stretching silence, drawing distance between them until Wilde felt farther away from him than he ever had. Zolf could give him a reason so selfish it made him sick, and any other reason seemed empty and void in comparison.  
  
Wilde, from across the room, sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging in an unfamiliar, immature way. 

“It’s true. I have a lot to do there.” Wilde spoke, lifting his chin toward Zolf to indicate what he meant by _there_ . The world of the living, which Zolf was part of. “But,” Zolf’s heart dropped, his hands frozen by his sides, “I’ve been tired for so long Zolf. Look at me, here. This… I can make this my own place. And I can do magic.”  
  
Wilde began whistling a tune, one Zolf knew to be one of the shanties he had taught him during one of the quarantines in Japan. From the open liquor bottle, whiskey flew out and filled the air between them, forming the shape of a ship. Zolf could see Wilde’s face distorted by the liquid. As Wilde continued whistling the ship began moving, sailing across the room as if the air were the ocean. It passed by Zolf’s ear, and from it he could hear the distant shouts of a working ship crew, caught in strong winds. The whiskey ship flew back to the bottle and finally poured its way back into its neck. The stopper lifted itself from the table and closed the bottle with a _pop_. 

“I will miss you.” He said as he looked up from the bottle to catch Zolf’s eyes.  
  
Zolf’s heart, his entire chest, contracted painfully, and he took a deep breath. He had prepared himself for that possibility. This was normal. This was fine. He could only respect his friend’s choice. _After all_ , he thought, _wouldn’t it be nice to rest_ ? Who could blame him?  
  
“Okay.” He croaked out, pressing his lips together to avoid saying anything that could make the situation worse, or make Wilde change his mind. This was right, he repeated to himself. People die. That was okay. He took another deep breath.  
  
“I’ll miss you too, Wilde.” 

Wilde seemed calm, and his eyes were soft when Zolf forced himself to meet them. They were the greyest they had ever been, even with the colour of his pupils ever changing. Zolf turned away before something could happen. He walked out the door they had entered from, cringing when he heard Wilde let out a heavy sigh. What had been a dying sun when Zolf and Wilde had sat on the dock was now a dead one. Zolf walked away again, watching nothing but his own feet tracing the footprints in the snow which had brought him to Wilde. Zolf closed his eyes, but there was nothing guiding him, and to avoid losing balance, he opened his eyes again and walked back to where Wilde’s body lay, old, scarred and lifeless, on the wooden floor.   
  


* * *

  
When Zolf came to, the sun filled his eyes as he forced them open, already painfully breathless. There was no thought in his mind but the tune Wilde had whistled and the terrible feeling of having made a horrible mistake. It was not an unfamiliar one, but he could not remember anything. He hardly heard the questions and beckoning of the people surrounding him.  
  
Azu’s face came into focus in front of him, and she was smiling until she was not. She was speaking to him, but her voice was so far away. He shook his head, perhaps that would explain better than words. The hug came as a surprise, and his arms lifted to her shoulders automatically. When was the last time he had touched anyone this way?

It didn’t take Zolf long to snap out of the shock and get up. Carter, Sassraa and Meerk had returned, something that made his throat contract slightly before pushing aside the ugly feeling. He had other things to worry about, more concrete problems, like what to do with Wilde’s body. A burial was out of question, something Zolf was fast to remind Hamid of, and it was quickly decided that they would burn his body as the Ursans did with their dead. Azu, Hamid and Cel all attempted to talk to Zolf throughout the day, but he pushed them away simply, without reason or roughness. He had a lot to do, he was first mate and he had to keep moving. While the others were busy catching up, he began building the pyre on his own. Carrying the pieces of wood from the Ursans’ stock was fast, for he carried more than his arms could manage, and his muscles burned, and the cold froze his bones to the point of pain. He could feel nothing but that and the approaching headache.  
  
Eventually, when the rest of the party realised he was working alone, they swooped in to help him as much as they could, and a small pyre was built. Zolf didn’t manage to drown out a voice in his head that sounded like Wilde saying “ _Well, you could have put_ a little _more effort in my funeral pyre._ ” He tried rubbing his eyes to chase it away, but all he could see was Wilde’s heartbroken expression as they had left each other on the edge of death, of whatever came next. The word struck a stabbing pain in his chest. _Heartbroken_? Is that how Wilde had felt? That strange, young and forgetful version of Wilde? Is that how Zolf had felt? It had been a long time since Zolf had experienced heartbreak, and it had never been something akin to this agony which lived on the edge of his vision. When he looked up, the setting sky beckoned, as it had on the dream ship. 

No questions were answered, and Wilde’s body was set on the pyre, carried by Zolf and Kiko. Soon, the flames began licking at him, his hair burning faster than the rest of him with a gust of fire, and rage began rising in Zolf. He allowed it to burn his insides as the fire was burning his skin on the outside. He was standing too close to it, just to glimpse the burning figure of his friend.  
The rage settled at a steady burn, burning up and replacing the day’s numbness. After the pyre had burned to embers, and the embers had been extinguished with water, everyone around him floated to bed as he stared down at the black sooty remnants of his friend. The overwhelming feeling of loss filled his lungs and, alone, he let out one hoarse sob.  
  
He walked silently across the empty square, feeling the dead embers crunch beneath his boots. If he closed his eyes and ignored the lingering smell of burning wood, he could almost imagine they were pebbles on a beach. Though he tried to be quiet as he entered the party’s sleeping quarters, he felt heavier with each careful step. Weary, he sank onto the bed. Before a fitful sleep took him, his guards briefly dropped from his exhausted mind, and all he could see was Wilde’s grey eyes, scared and almost hopeful.  
  
Why had he allowed Wilde to choose? Why hadn’t he grabbed his arm and dragged the stupid back to life, as he had wanted– no, as he had _needed._ He wanted to go back desperately. That he could not, that he could never see Wilde again and shout at him about how ludicrous he was, how his choice to stay dead had been the wrong choice. His friend was ash in the wind. Dead.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> im sorry.... chapter 2 will come soon but don't expect any less angst
> 
> thank u oscar for the beta-ing and the well deserved insults on my google docs. ily 
> 
> and... uh... thanks for reading :D comments and kudos keep me going, so please do lmk if you liked it.. or hated it that's also valid lol 
> 
> bye <3


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